i am celene.

12:57 AM on a monday night (or tuesday morning, perhaps..) and my night is pretty typical, listening to Brighten’s latest EP and not really accomplishing any studying. Instead, my mind just keeps trailing off, thinking about my life. I do it so often now, probably because I feel like every move I make is actually starting to matter. Every mistake, every teeny-weeny goddamn stupid rookie mistake counts. And with that, I guess my brightest moments count as well. Looks like another school year has passed. I can see myself as I’m changing shape. Not a lot of people know, but I’ve gone/put myself through a bunch of radical emotional shit throughout the past 8 months. Inner turmoil. But I’ve hidden almost every aspect of it to almost everyone. Those occasional wednesday night freak-outs that land me on the corner of Wilson and Farm by myself, sitting next to a dimly lit building. Those drunken friday nights that started off happy and lively, but ended in tears on the phone. To be honest, I think I’m a freak. I have no emotional balance, whatsoever. I’m needy as fuck and am crazy awkward around new people. I’m just always nervous and I have this never-ending battle in my head. Sometimes I have no idea what the fuck to do with myself. I’m okay one second, not hating life.. and the next, I feel shattered inside, and lonely, and only wish to be with people but find all the ones in my life unworthy of knowing all my secrets. I want comfort, but I want to be left alone. I keep yearning for the attention of one who no longer cares about me like they used to. This is a frustrating life. I just want to know who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m lost and empty, without a direction. Really hope I’ll start finding myself soon. I’m leaving to grow, for now.

Listening to old music always makes me happy. It reminds me of how life used to be. I don’t know if I was ever that happy, but right now, it feels like I was. I wish I could kick the shit out of the me from 6-7 years ago. I’d tell myself to get a grip, and stop wishing to be older. Being older doesn’t really mean anything besides being more independent and learning that things get harder, not easier. I don’t know.. in retrospect, things just seemed so fucking simple in middle school and high school. Wish I didn’t wish for it to all end so quickly. 

Goddamn, I miss everything about my life a year and a half ago.